Kissing Confusion
by BellatrixLestrangey
Summary: Crack Fic; Bellatrix and Rodolphus find themselves surrounded by dementors. Bella's last desperate attempt to save them results in a patronus; one that takes on a rather unexpected form.


"Well, I think we can say one thing for sure." Rodolphus grumbled.

"And what's that?" Bellatrix asked.

The man looked around the forest. Dementors poured out from between the leaves of trees, coiled around tree trunks, and branches, they seemed to be crawling up from the lake. Every space seemed to bleed dementors. They shifted and churned the air like a noxious cloud. "We're completely screwed."

"Now why would you _ever_ think that?" Bellatrix bit out sarcastically as the wall of dementors circled in even closer.

Rodolphus took a few careful steps back until he collided with Bella's slender body. The woman hissed in annoyance but didn't shove him off. Standing back to back the pair watched the fog of dementors descend. "Do something."

"Me?" Bella scoffed, "what am I supposed to do?" She stole another peek at the sky.

"What do you usually do?"

"Well, typically I can just whip my wand out and charge. Generally, I add some arm flailing and shrieking for good measure. That usually does the trick, most people drop their wands and surrender. Especially if I start shouting things that don't make sense."

"Have you tried that?" Rodolphus asked.

"Yes, great idea I'm sure the dementors will be horrified." Bellatrix frowned. "They don't quite care as much as humans do."

"Well there has to be some way out of this." Stated Rodolphus. Even so the air grew chillier. He could now see each exhale as they came out in erratic and worried puffs. With each inch the dementors took forward, more dismal memories came to the surface.

An oppressive feeling of helplessness overtaking him.

He wondered if Bellatrix could feel it too.

If she did, the witch gave no outward indication.

The woman gnawed slightly on her cheek. "I have a plan."

"Is it a good one?"

"It's a plan." She muttered. _A stupid plan_ , she admitted to herself. A plan that she was fairly certain would not work. But it was the only plan she had. And even if it didn't work—even if she made herself look like a complete imbecile—she'd only have about three minutes of embarrassment to endure before dying anyhow.

Bellatrix lifted her wand, aiming it at the thickest patch of dementor. "Expecto Patronum!" She shouted quite loudly and dramatically. She waited and hoped desperately for the tip of her wand to start glowing.

She called once more to her treasured memory. Picturing every glorious little detail, as if it were happening right in that moment. Every tiny aspect of that moment…

That moment when Voldemort dropped his underpants.

 _Such beauty_. Bellatrix found tears welling in her eyes.

She tried the incantation again.

But apparently her fond memories of Voldemort's junk, were not enough to supply her with a patronus. And so she decided that a patronus must be impossible to create, after all what memory could possibly be more delightful than one of making sweet love to Voldemort.

Rodolphus snickered, "really, that was your plan?"

And to him, Bellatrix extended her middle finger. The sheer shock of her action had Rodolphus staggering backwards, his hand over his heart. How could the woman he loved offer him such a heartless gesture. In the midst of his staggering he tripped over a rock, he found himself face up in a stinking, stagnate, puddle of water.

"This is vile. This is absolutely vile and heartbreaking. I can't believe that I will spend my final moments on Earth in a muddy puddle. I feel so betrayed."

Bellatrix sniffed haughtily. "Oh please, I gave you the finger. You're acting like I murdered your wife."

"You are my wife."

"Oh right, I forget sometimes." She replied, her thoughts still lingering on Voldemort's manly body. She let her mind wander, reliving that entire night. And once more, she tried the spell. This time, an explosion of white light erupted from her wand.

"Holy shit." Rodolphus whispered as the patronus began to take shape.

.oOo.

In all of his days a creature of misery and pain Rozad had never witnessed such a thing. The dementor looked to his companions a sense of confusion and fear rippled through the hive. He found himself bombarded by questions in the form of mental images. He could answer none.

"Why are we being attacked by one of our own?" Rozad found himself being asked for the twentieth time that evening. All he could do is stop and stare.

Fluttering before him was a dementor just like any other, only it was white.

"If it's one of us, then why is it white?" Asked one of Rozad's companions.

"Omg Fane, you can't just ask people why they're white." Was all Rozad could muster.

The albino dementor swooped down on another one of Rozad's hivemates, chasing it off. It went for another and another, growing more and more bold with each attack, until it found the power to take on hordes at once.

One of the souls Rozad sucked out ached at the sight of the albino dementor destroying his own.

.oOo.

Bellatrix cackled in pure joy, her plan had worked! She had successfully cast her first patronus. She shot Rodolphus a smug smile. "Do you see that, Rod!? Do you?"

Rodolphus nodded. "How can I not."

"I have the best patronus." She wiped a happy tear from her eye. "It-it's glorious."

"I don't know what I was expecting." Rodolphus muttered. Truth be told he did know what he had expected, and it was not that. No, he was expecting his wife's patronus to take on the shape of Voldemort or a middle finger or something equally ridiculous. But this. This was somehow even more ridiculous than his expectations.

"How the hell do you get a dementor for a patronus."

The overjoyed woman offered him no reply, save for a bunch of childish claps as she jumped with glee. She glared upon the dementors and with as much mockery as she could muster yelled; "hey! Hey you guys know what you can kiss!? My ass! Yeah, you can kiss that!"


End file.
